A freshman's guide to Boston

Totally stolen from The Weekly Dig


There is more but here is the top article.

How to keep full-time Bostonians from gnawing your face off

BY JOE KEOHANE | KEOHANE@WEEKLYDIG.COM

The first thing you’ll notice after you settle in here is that most or all of the locals are bastards. This is because they don’t like you.

You may think, “Well, maybe once they get to know me better, they’ll warm up,” and that may be true; but the reason they don’t like you in fact has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with how every fall, a quarter of a million students storm the city, make a huge racket, make a huge pukey mess, then, in June, leave. Locals, having for years accrued countless grievances against the local college population, have gotten to a point where they just assume that every student they see is as bad as or worse than the worst student they’ve ever seen in their lives.

Making matters worse, Bostonians have a certain New England aloofness to them, an entrenched distrust of outsiders and a tendency toward homicidal driving; they can also be quick-tempered and have been emotionally destroyed by the late-winter weather every year since the city was founded back in 1630.

Which means they’re not easy to win over.

But that’s not to say it’s impossible, and as many have learned over the years, if you make an effort, and refrain from puking in strangers’ bushes or turning cars over on Hemenway Street, and you recognize the fact that many people lived here before you came, and will continue to live here after you leave, you’ll do well.

With that in mind, here are a few pointers.

Don’t walk slowly, five abreast on the sidewalk, blocking anyone who has to get somewhere from passing you. We recognize the impulse to collect as many acquaintances as you can early in your college career, and how consequently you’ll tend to travel in herds for the first few months, but it drives people crazy.

If you’re not walking up an escalator, stand to the right and let people pass. On a related note, don’t stand in doorways, in stairwells, or at the tops or bottoms of escalators.

Keep the noise down. We live in the city, so noise is unavoidable. What you want to do, at least during the week, is resist the urge to make massive noises for no reason. On a recent Monday morning, at about 1am, a girl on my block just started yelling at the top of her lungs outside. Why? Because she could. You laugh, but this happens a lot. Again, just bear in mind that people actually live here, and that many have to work in the morning.

Don’t mimic the accent; it really annoys people. Learn to appreciate it, love it; it’s the greatest accent in America. [My own note, you suck Diane Lane. Also Marky Mark's accent is suspect ... you figure that one out]

Dig into the city, walk around, see the sights, hit as many bars as you can, talk to as many locals as you’re able to. Treat the city as more than a campus, and you’ll get a tremendous amount of enjoyment out of it. Don’t be one of those lame-asses who spend four years hanging out in the same four bars. You’re in a city; take advantage of it.

Don’t read the Phoenix, it leads to premature aging.

Check for bikes. If you’re one of those students with a car, check your side mirrors before opening your door. Boston’s a big cycling city, and incidents of dooring (i.e., a cyclist being near-decapitated by a carelessly flung-open door) skyrocket when the students come back, mainly on account of how many come from the suburbs and don’t have to worry about such things. Conversely, if you ride a bike, buy a helmet.

Nobody cares that you go to Harvard.

In the winter, if you see a shoveled-out spot with a piece of junk in the middle (chair, lamp, parking cone, etc.), don’t park there. Your car will be attacked with a golf club (looking at you, Southie; also you, North End).

You’ll notice that Bostonians are incorrigible jaywalkers; this doesn’t change the laws of physics. If you walk blindly into traffic (looking at you, BU), you will be hit by a car and it will hurt, if not kill you. This happens ALL THE TIME. Jaywalking requires a certain basic level of awareness of what’s going on around you; if you must do it, look both ways. Better yet, just don’t do it at all. At least not for the first six months.

Drinking. Many Bostonians drink. Many adore drinking. You’re free to drink all you want, provided you don’t fuck up personal property. Short of that, have at it.

That about covers it. Follow these simple rules, and your next four years will be filled with drunken fun, learning, culture and maybe even the occasional normal human interaction with the locals. And that’s more than most get during their four years here. Most importantly, you’ll have our sincere gratitude.

- posted by Doug @ 2:10:00 PM